2021 in a Flash

I just wanted to give a blog for my personal side on this year. 2021. Wow. I NEVER wish time away, I've been through a lot in life, been in dark places, but I've never not liked a year so much, and wanted it to be over. I'm praying so hard next year is better.

The year started out with yet another year of Covid of course. By February, my husbands sweet nanny that we all loved so much, passed away from months of battling Covid. We was all so heartbroken as to know her was to love her. A few weeks later, My husband and I contracted Covid. Forcing me to stay home, cancel sessions, and of course feel miserable. I had the week before started my first round of Clomid since 2019 my husband and I, had tried for a baby, so I was diagnosed in Jan with infertility. The Anxiety of all of this will be something I can never explain. I never could finish the process because I had covid, was sick, couldn't check my labs, etc. I was so frustrated. We finally got over Covid, and thought we was in the clear for a better year as it had already been so much mentally and emotionally. However, that was just the beginning.

If you know me personally, and some professionally, you know my Pap Paw was "My person". He never let me down, always made every day brighter, and was my number one supporter. He turned 91 years old this year, and a week later passed away. This was only about 3 - 4 weeks after we lost nanny, had covid, and failed infertility treatment. Also, my husband lost a very close cousin a few hours before my pap paw, and we was in such shock and heartbroken that his battle had ended. He finally decided his journey on earth was done, and it was time to go home. I was with my pap, holding his hand in his final days, and never left his side, as he never had left mine. We talked about so many memories, listened to hymns, talked about so many things, until the Good Lord called him home. I honestly know he was "old" and his time on earth was done. But, I honestly don't think i'll ever be the same. The heartache of missing him will forever be apart of me. However, especially in today's world, how blessed we was to hold his hand and love on him until the very end. He was at such peace. His funeral was all about how he was in the Navy for 20 years, the service with military rights, and receiving my most precious item on earth, a folded flag was gave to me in his honor from the military soldiers that did the service. Ill never ever be able to explain the emotion of the words the whispered to me.

A few months later, we finally thought things would get back to semi normal to where we could function. However, so many private issues happened. Battling our faith and hope to the ultimate test. Small things happened what seemed like once a week. Emergency Vet visits, Phone calls, Our family and friends losing loved ones. Then the summer came.

My husband was on his way to work one day, and was in a tragic accident. He rolled his truck down the road, and is so blessed that he only had nerve damage with a dislocated shoulder. That is a phone call I never wish to hear again, with the not knowing if he was alive or not. I rolled onto the scene to find him still trapped in the truck as they had the Jaws of life to get him out. I am so so blessed that it wasn't his time just yet.

A few months later, we took a deep breath. Blessings came. Spencer started a job with the State Road. A dream he had for many years, and finally accomplished. That same week, I accepted a job as a Care Manager for the clinic I work for, and could not be more excited for my new journey. We both started new jobs with in a week of each other, and things felt like they was meant to be and fell in place.

My photography was booming all year, I had amazing weddings, seniors, etc. I upgraded so much of my equipment and finally found my purpose in photography, and know my purpose is to help others. I could NOT have had a better year with my photography. It taught me so much and has grown into what I never ever would have imagined. I've met amazing clients, photographers, and families from all over. Photography was my saving grace.

With that said, I pushed so hard at both jobs. Unfortunately to hard. Anxiety set in overtime. I had severe anxiety hit, cried every day, which if you know me is so unlike me. I never could sleep, I had horrible memories and images, and the list goes on how I felt. I wasn't me. I was bitter. I hated Life. I was so tired I could barely function. I just did not care anymore. I felt like crap all the time. Going into end of October, I had my epilepsy return. Month after month wonder what was going on. Finally, I figured out some of what was causing all these flare ups, started vitamins, and slowly getting myself back to normal.

I know this all sounds super depressing, or you go, it could be worse. Either way, you're right. Through all of this, I tried so so hard to stay positive. When I saw those losing young loved ones, children, spouses, and diagnosis that I would never wish on anyone. I kept saying, it could be so so much worse. I could not have made it this year without my friends, family, co workers, and clients. They kept me going and pushed me to continue to do big things in times I felt so small.

Through all of this, I learned a lot, seen a lot, and I believe changed some. I found peace. Something I never really understood. But this season taught me so so much peace. Let go of those so called friends that doesn't care about me, let go of those negative people that are out to destroy you, how life is so fragile and we have to live it to the fullest, how to love those who we don't agree with, how to hold someone's hands in the hardest times and what comfort you can bring them, how to let go of situations because they're out of your control, how to accept what is thrown at you, and just keep going. How to stop being so bitter towards situations. Nothing burned me and made me more upset and hit the kitchen floor bawling then when I would see another pregnancy announcement of those who in my eyes "didnt deserve to have a child". I asked God "Why"? Why did they deserve a child when they cant even take care of themselves? Why did they get to bring a child into the world when they havent been with someone but a year. Why when they cant even get their life together or a roof over their head, or want to work, have a kid? I asked SO many whys. I was so bitter. I was so honestly jealous of some who seemed to get what we have wished for, for so long. It didnt make sense. We have tried to do things right, we wanted a family. In the heartache of all this. I saw God. I saw how he turned everything that turned to dust, and made it into something else. He is our potter. His hands work for our good. He showed me how his plan can unfold and through the worst of times, he can turn everything into good, something good can come from the worst situations. He told me to have hope and faith.. I thank God for that, and he knows how to "mold us" right back together from the dust. Beauty from Ashes. Never leaves us through these moments, and we are all his children, and he is with us. I know im a warrior of Christ. I know no matter what life throws, he is there. Im praying for so many this year who lost so much more than we did.

I found so many blessings in this year. A great job, true friends, learned lessons, an add on to our house, continuing making memories with family and friends, and so much more.

Here's to 2022, new beginnings, and a lot of memories. May God Bless you all.

Isaiah 64:8

But now, O Lord, you are our Father; we are the clay, and you are our potter; we are all the work of your hand.